My Wife, Conqueror


Death has been swallowed up by a victory.
         Where is your victory, Death?
        Where is your sting, Death?

(Death’s sting is sin, and the power of sin is the Law.) Thanks be to God, who gives us this victory through our Lord Jesus Christ! As a result of all this, my loved brothers and sisters, you must stand firm, unshakable, excelling in the work of the Lord as always, because you know that your labor isn’t going to be for nothing in the Lord.

~ 1 Corinthians 15:54-58

Therefore, since the children share in flesh and blood, he also shared the same things in the same way. He did this to destroy the one who holds the power over death—the devil—by dying. He set free those who were held in slavery their entire lives by their fear of death.

~ Hebrews 2:14-15

For those who were there or are willing to look, it’s no real secret that a few years ago my wife attended the annual Women’s March in Austin with a friend. Her reasons for going are somewhat less known. In many cases, this is because those who took notice of her presence at the march were considerably less interested in hearing her reasons for attending than they were their own assumptions about why she went. Then, as now, our nation and church situates themselves in a place where nuance, complexity, and depth are often lost to the more blunt and vulgar narratives of partisan politics, of elephants and donkeys.

In the weeks after the march, I was frequently asked why she marched. (It is telling that, so far as I know, no one bothered to ask her why she marched.) As if she only went because I had given her my permission, I was grilled as to why I was okay with her (a Christian!) participating in the Women’s March when there was so much sinful stuff happening around her. Why didn’t she leave when she saw how bad it was? My answer, of course, was because my wife takes communion.

The table is the place where we gather every week as racists, bigots, adulterers, liars, thieves, addicts, idolaters, hypocrites, gossips, gluttons, greedy opportunists, abusers, rabble rousers, drunks, and law breakers. We gather as those who are prideful, judgmental, accusatory, stubborn, lustful, angry, spiteful, apathetic, contentious, self-righteous and … well, you can imagine how this list could go on and on and on …

What’s more: Each Sunday, I find myself at more places on that list than I care to admit.

And God has made room for all of us messy, broken people at his table, redeeming us in the middle of that messiness. God reminds us of who he is at his table. He is the one who left heaven to wade into the messiness of our existence. And, he is the one who sends us out from the table, into his messy world.

So, it’s no more shocking nor objectionable to me when my wife would follow him into the middle of it all at the Women’s March than it was when a group of ladies from a former congregation decided a few years back to follow Jesus into the middle of it all and minister to strippers in their dressing rooms.

This is to say that, for my wife, it was theological. It was christological and pastoral. It was not political in any modern sense of the word. Here’s what I’m suggesting:

What happens if you begin without the assumption that the only way of making change was via the government or the assumption that the only purpose of marching was to try and force the government to change? (Because, you know – you don’t believe change is contingent on the government.) What if, instead, you believed that the way to make change in the world was to follow in the way of the kingdom by building relationships rooted in the sort of love God demonstrated in the person of Jesus?

Why would you march? One reason might be that reimagining our assumptions as described above leads to the possibility of marching for someone rather than against something or someone. It opens the possibility of the act being more about saying to others, “I hear you in your darkness,” rather than saying to the government, “I demand you listen to my voice.” If you reconfigure your imagination in this way, it doesn’t matter so much why other people are walking down the street next to you. In fact, your individual presence in the march is probably politically insignificant on a national, state, regional, or local level – even if you are marching against someone or something. But relationally, the act stands to carry great power for the loved one struggling in the darkness whom you have marched for.

This marching for, this symbolic act of solidarity and advocacy, driven by the love Christ had shown her, a love she intended to share with others regardless how the partisan among our community would react, this marching for is why she was there. And she was seen. Not only by those who whispered against her, caring for their assumptions more than her reality, but also by those who were hurting. Those who were holding the darkness inside, too ashamed to tell their story – to step into the light – lest people think them sullied or irredeemable or somehow deserving of the sins thrust upon them by their abusers. She marched for them and they saw and it opened a door, however small the crack, for healing.

I say this because she needs to be seen. Often, people will only see the quiet woman who is so inundated with our brood at worship she can seem aloof. Others will never look past her blue hair and tattoos. Others still will look at her, see she is not a good Republican, and lean into unfortunate assumptions. What they miss is the deep strength and character the Spirit has formed in my wife. What they miss is the passionate advocacy she offers for those on the margins. What they miss is her determination to use her voice for those who have been denied theirs.

Having been set free from the fear of death, she uses her freedom to bring others into the healing and love Jesus has given her. And, in doing this, she has taught me more about what it means to follow Jesus than any fifty teachers and preachers I’ve had in my life.

My favorite of her many tattoos is the one on the back of her neck. It is the seal of the Moravian Church. The seal depicts the Slaughtered Lamb carrying the banner of the cross. Around the edges are the words, “Vicit agnus noster, eum sequamur.

“Our Lamb has conquered. Let us follow him.”


PS: You really should check out her new post about why she advocates for rape and abuse victims. You can find it here.

My Wife, Conqueror

Stumbling Blocks, Hindrances, & Offenses

Being offensive has never been a priority for me. I know I occasionally offend others, generally other Christians, but I’ve not once rolled out of bed and said, “I think I’ll go scandalize my brothers and sisters today.” (To be clear, this is distinct from doing or saying a thing knowing it will be offensive to someone. There’s a difference between doing something in order to offend and doing something that needs to be done even though you know it will offend. If offending people has never been a priority, not offending people hasn’t been one either.)

Most of the times I’ve caused offense I didn’t realize that’s what I was doing. In two churches, I’ve followed good men who worked with their congregations for more than twenty years. In those contexts, I received occasional remarks from some who were flummoxed by my doing this thing or the other differently than it had been done before. At some point, I realized the core of the issue was that what others perceived as change was just normal to me. I was different than the guy before me, and no one was out looking for trouble, but we had come at things differently up to that point. That’s the way it goes, isn’t it? I know very few people who set out to be offensive, but somehow we get crossways with one another over things that are typically small.

This brings us to one of the challenges of being a Christ-like community in the consumer-driven world that shapes each of us (assuming you’re reading in the West!).

In my experience, the greatest number of “offenses” occur over differences of opinion. That’s true for when I’ve been offended and it also seems true when I have done the offending. In a world filtered through the lenses of economics and consumption, we are used to having things the way we want them and can be put out when that doesn’t happen.

It is tempting to appease those who are offended, because in such a culture being offensive is among the chief sins. After all, doesn’t Paul say we should resolve never to put a “stumbling block” or “hindrance” in the way of another? (Romans 14:13, cf. also 1 Corinthians 8:13)* Reading this text from the perspective of our commodity-driven culture, Paul’s words have been used by well-meaning Christians to force the scruples of a vocal minority on the whole church so as to keep from “offending.” Brother X doesn’t like movies, or Halloween, or clapping during “Days of Elijah,” or “Days of Elijah,” or the way Sister Y is dressed, or whatever, and we love Brother X so let’s give up whatever offends him on that account.

As you can imagine, this can lead to some pretty toxic situations – whether or not Brother X ever intended them to be that way. We have all probably heard the tales about loving, well-meaning churches driven by such offense.

But, what if we ask, “What does Paul mean when he uses words like ‘stumbling block’ or ‘hindrance’?” Does he really mean we ought to cede to the preferences of whoever claims offense in a situation? Is this really what love requires? I have found those to be helpful questions, not only in working with a brother or sister who comes to me offended, but more so in dealing with my own tendencies to want my way.

Both words used in Romans 14:13 are relatively rare in the New Testament, making it easy for us to see how they were used in other contexts, giving us a fuller picture of their meaning.

In Greek, “stumbling block” is proskomma and it is used six times. I will italicize the instance of proskomma in each verse.

  • Romans 9:32-33: “Why not? Because they did not strive for it on the basis of faith, but as if it were based on works. They have stumbled over the stumbling stone, as it is written, ‘See, I am laying in Zion a stone that will make people stumble, a rock that will make them fall, and whoever believes in him will not be put to shame.‘”
  • Romans 14:13:Let us therefore no longer pass judgment on one another, but resolve instead never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of another.”
  • Romans 14:20: “Do not, for the sake of food, destroy the work of God. Everything is indeed clean, but it is wrong for you to make others fall by what you eat …”
  • 1 Corinthians 8:9: “But take care that this liberty of yours does not somehow become a stumbling block to the weak.”
  • 1 Peter 2:8: “A stone that makes them stumble, and a rock that makes them fall.”

In Greek, “hindrance” is skandalon. It occurs fifteen times.

  • Matthew 13:41: “The Son of Man will send his angels, and they will collect out of his kingdom all causes of sin and all evildoers …”
  • Matthew 16:23: “But he turned and said to Peter, ‘Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; for you are setting your mind not on divine things but on human things.'”
  • Matthew 18:7: “Woe to the world because of stumbling blocks! Occasions for stumbling are bound to come, but woe to the one by whom the stumbling block comes!”
  • Luke 17:1: “Jesus said to his disciples, ‘Occasions for stumbling are bound to come, but woe to anyone by whom they come!'”
  • Romans 9:33: “as it is written, ‘See, I am laying in Zion a stone that will make people stumble, a rock that will make them fall, and whoever believes in him will not be put to shame …’
  • Romans 11:9: “And David says, ‘Let their table become a snare and a trap, a stumbling block and a retribution for them …'”
  • Romans 14:13: “Let us therefore no longer pass judgment on one another, but resolve instead never to put a stumbling block or hindrance in the way of another.”
  • Romans 16:17: “I urge you, brothers and sisters, to keep an eye on those who cause dissensions and offenses, in opposition to the teaching that you have learned; avoid them.”
  • 1 Corinthians 1:23: “.. but we proclaim Christ crucified, a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles …”
  • Galatians 5:11: “But my friends, why am I still being persecuted if I am still preaching circumcision? In that case the offense of the cross has been removed.”
  • 1 Peter 2:8: “‘A stone that makes them stumble, and a rock that makes them fall.’ They stumble because they disobey the word, as they were destined to do.”
  • 1 John 2:10: “Whoever loves a brother or sister lives in the light, and in such a person there is no cause for stumbling.”
  • Revelation 2:14: “But I have a few things against you: you have some there who hold to the teaching of Balaam, who taught Balak to put a stumbling block before the people of Israel, so that they would eat food sacrificed to idols and practice fornication.”

To be thorough, there’s also the verb, skandalizo. It appears twenty-nine times in the New Testament. We’ll only look at a sampling here:

  • Matthew 13:57: “And they took offense at him. But Jesus said to them, ‘Prophets are not without honor except in their own country and in their own house.'”
  • Matthew 26:31: “Then Jesus said to them, ‘You will all become deserters because of me this night; for it is written, “I will strike the shepherd, and the sheep of the flock will be scattered.”‘”
  • John 6:61: “But Jesus, being aware that his disciples were complaining about it, said to them, ‘Does this offend you?'”
  • John 16:1: ““I have said these things to you to keep you from stumbling.”

Now, some observations:

Perhaps this should go without saying, but it often doesn’t, so let’s say it. Avoiding offense isn’t the chief virtue of Christianity. Jesus was offensive. His message was offensive. While I don’t think Jesus set out to offend anyone, it seems clear that he did regularly offend, and while he might’ve hoped for a different reaction, he was willing to let them be offended.

But what does the New Testament mean when it says someone is “offended” or that something is a “stumbling block” or a “hindrance”? Importantly, from our list, biblical offense has little to nothing to do with matters of preference among Christians. This set of words refers to the idea of falling away from or rejecting God. In John 6, Jesus’ message was offensive to his disciples and because of that they rejected him. In 1 Corinthians 1, the notion of a crucified Messiah was the point at which the Jews rejected any notion of Jesus being the Christ, denouncing God’s purposes. In Matthew 26, skandalizo is translated “deserters.” In the same vein, to be a stumbling block is to be the thing that pushes someone away from God.

(While we’re on the subject, did you notice all the times the New Testament says Jesus is the stumbling block? He was the breaking point for people who claimed to love God, but weren’t interested in faithfully following him into the fullness of his kingdom.)

This isn’t about someone not getting their way and going to the church across town because they don’t care for a budget item, or the way the preacher speaks, or the way the worship leader dresses. That’s not offense. There’s no stumbling block involved in those scenarios. Offense is given when the church acts in such a way that it drives people away from God. Sarah Bessey tells a story about a young woman who was aging out of the foster care system after a hard and traumatic childhood. A trusted counselor advised her to seek out a church that would walk with her in her struggles. She did and a week later killed herself. In her suicide note, she spoke of going to church to find belonging and hope. Instead, she received ridicule for the way she dressed, so she asked to be buried in her ratty jeans.

That is what is at stake when we talk about stumbling blocks, hindrances, and being offensive. We become the kind of stumbling block Paul warns about when we become so insistent on having it our way that we push people away from God. My prayer is that we would never get so caught up being “offended” – or responding to such “offenses” – that we become stumbling blocks for those seeking God.

So, what do we do with all those squeaky wheels that cry offense over preferences? (And, I’ve been that person more often than I care to consider.) Let me tell a parable about what I think is one of the greatest shepherding moments in recent church history:

A lady goes to one of her shepherds and complains that the woman next to her in worship wears strong perfume. She asks, “Should I sit down and talk to her? Ask her to stop wearing perfume?”

“No,” the shepherd replies, “you should find a new place to sit.”

Let those with ears hear.

* I’m using the NSRV here.

Stumbling Blocks, Hindrances, & Offenses